today a fat old man winked at me
right after i talked to wendy.
Wednesday, January 01, 1997
Roaring Spring Compositions # 119
* never going over and talking to him after class
* seeing the cute girl get up and walk out of the rooom
* i am not allowed to look at you (that guy know's i'm looking - ha!)
* after all of this time that she was having family problems i have felt completely powerless. all i could ever do was sit and listen to her complaining, explaining, and crying. all i ever thought was that it would all be alright if i were there or she were here. she just needed one person to be there, one person to listen, and she would be 100 times better. this used to really eat away at me- being unable to do anything but listen, soak it all up, and help her feel better by just getting it out. well, last night for the first time since all fo this started, i actually had something to offer. i have been listening for a year, and finally i could point out something of value to her, i tried to give her a little insight into the nature of her problems and the people that were hurting her... why they do what they do. it seemed to comfort her to be able to put their cruel/insensitive/meaningless behavior into an understandable context. i showed her that i understand where she's coming from, and i shed a little light on a possible reason why the world is the way it is. it made me feel so good to finally be able to DO something. it only took a year - maybe there's hope for me yet.
* seeing the cute girl get up and walk out of the rooom
* i am not allowed to look at you (that guy know's i'm looking - ha!)
* after all of this time that she was having family problems i have felt completely powerless. all i could ever do was sit and listen to her complaining, explaining, and crying. all i ever thought was that it would all be alright if i were there or she were here. she just needed one person to be there, one person to listen, and she would be 100 times better. this used to really eat away at me- being unable to do anything but listen, soak it all up, and help her feel better by just getting it out. well, last night for the first time since all fo this started, i actually had something to offer. i have been listening for a year, and finally i could point out something of value to her, i tried to give her a little insight into the nature of her problems and the people that were hurting her... why they do what they do. it seemed to comfort her to be able to put their cruel/insensitive/meaningless behavior into an understandable context. i showed her that i understand where she's coming from, and i shed a little light on a possible reason why the world is the way it is. it made me feel so good to finally be able to DO something. it only took a year - maybe there's hope for me yet.
Roaring Spring Compositions # 117
* the asshole guy who plays chess is loud, he talks and talks and talks.
* bricks turn into red dust, i realise that i'm making baby steps - and that when it's all over, it just starts over.
* you knew what i would do, you told me, i do it anyway.
* when i close my eyes i see it, i see it from above - i see it in blurred slow motion - i want people to see me with my eyes shut tight, ********, no one notices and i continue to have my daydream ********** all through lunch - it lasts all weekend, and ends when you call me ... and then i procede ...
* bricks turn into red dust, i realise that i'm making baby steps - and that when it's all over, it just starts over.
* you knew what i would do, you told me, i do it anyway.
* when i close my eyes i see it, i see it from above - i see it in blurred slow motion - i want people to see me with my eyes shut tight, ********, no one notices and i continue to have my daydream ********** all through lunch - it lasts all weekend, and ends when you call me ... and then i procede ...
Roaring Spring Compositions # 115
* i keep seeing your hair - and i think it's you for that one second - and i feel the rush - and then it's gone.
* coffee shaking - heart skips - good heart skips - life-giving.
* the stars are his marker...
* blonde highlights that you didn't like - eyes that you thought were uninteresting - i went out of my way to let you know that they (you) were exceptional. you blushed and i loved that you were blushing.
* when you called me "dad" you punished me for worrying too much about you, make me feel like the bad guy - guilt.
* you loved flowers and stuffed animals - was that the best i could do, all i had to offer? it was what i was reduced to , the only channels of expression readily available. later, i would write many a song to let it out.
* we used to call each other in the morning before we left for school - if we worried that one was mad at the other - or if we missed each other last night... wet in my bath robe at the bottom of the stairs.
* "you no like, i change"
* coffee shaking - heart skips - good heart skips - life-giving.
* the stars are his marker...
* blonde highlights that you didn't like - eyes that you thought were uninteresting - i went out of my way to let you know that they (you) were exceptional. you blushed and i loved that you were blushing.
* when you called me "dad" you punished me for worrying too much about you, make me feel like the bad guy - guilt.
* you loved flowers and stuffed animals - was that the best i could do, all i had to offer? it was what i was reduced to , the only channels of expression readily available. later, i would write many a song to let it out.
* we used to call each other in the morning before we left for school - if we worried that one was mad at the other - or if we missed each other last night... wet in my bath robe at the bottom of the stairs.
* "you no like, i change"
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