"what would you like?"

i would like to feel strong,
i would like to feel bright,
i would like to feel loved,
and i would like the western omelette
with cheese and rye toast, please.
and coffee. thanks.

correspondence

(pre-election correspondence about the upcoming weekend that spirals out of control)

my weekend plans-
fri: grocery shopping, catch home & garden channel "trading spaces" marathon
sat: negotiate inter-dimensional peace treaty between the galactic alliance and the continuum of pneumatic dark ether.
sun: sleep in, make pancakes, read the paper.

Remember: the Continuum will press you for reductions in the Shadow Platoon. Don't give in. Hold your ground.

well, the only problem is that the shadow platoon veteran's association had demanded a cost of living adjustment for thier pulsar pension funds by three arcseconds, annually. meanwhile, the space-time frame dragging caused by the saggitarious-A perscription benefit has already created a high-density black hole whose increased x-ray jet outbursts have ruined this year's irregular nebulae crop, causing a spike in the intergalactic price of positrons.

It's a shame everyone is so beholden to the platoon veteran lobby. I wish Commander Zragnut X would show some f'ing backbone. And also, when you said "i mean, why should companion start systems get all the tax breaks?" Errr...don't you mean the binary star system???

right, right. my bad. well, you know, me and sunspots... somnolence and constipation.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE I GUESS. Like that time when you confused Thgor X-45 with Thogor X-56??? That shit was hilarious! It's just a shame that 25,000,000 Vissiputhians died as a result.

every time i shit two galaxies collide

hmmmmmmm

but until i get some fiber, the remaining Vissiputhians can breathe a little more easily...

Indeed, I Pray to Vothar. But wait, Vissiputhians CAN'T breathe because of *your* little misadventure back in Year 2342-B (remember? the "Brown Quasar Eclipse" ?) Vissiputhians instead symobiotically absorb neuroclytes via the Mirror Grid. What's with you today, man? why so forgetful?

i'm trying to put the brown dwarf incident past me, dude. that shit is past the event horizon for me, man. it's dust... but speaking of prayers:

"prayer to vothar"
vothar, vothar, no excuses
painting over cracks is useless.
scrape it with a tool, and then,
fill it with some gel again.
let it dry, about an hour,
then lick it- if the taste is sour,
let acidic tears dissolve,
liquified- your sins, absolved

"My name is Commander Vothar, and I have tasted the mortar of my own demise"

"Want your own quasar? Then Vote for Vothar"

"magnetic poles indicate that vothar is gaining plasma ions all across the Van Allen belt"... Vothar's challenger, Quadrant Senator Eta Carinae : "If you could smell in space, the stench of Vothar's solar wind record of failed star formation would stretch across the galaxy."

Vothar's press secretary Neblar Neblarian retorts, "There goes the Senator again...first he is for star formation, then he's against it...what's next? He voted for regenerating the ghost terminal at the Retribution Module of Flaxon 323423-D4 before he was against it?"

"All Qualuddians* agree: Vote for Eta Carinae!" - Paid for by Vothar for President
* Qualuddian's are "terrorists"

Eta Carinae: "Vothar still has not clarified his position on Homunculus Nebula. He assumes that the major axis of homunculus nebulae coincides with the rotation axis of a star, and somehow this means that Homunculus Nebulae should be afforded the same rights and privileges as other reflective nebulae, which would pave the way to an epidemic of many open clusters. Good people disagree on this issue, but I rely on my faith, any my faith tells me that despite the Luminous Blue Variables, there is a clear answer: there are not, and should not be, any irregular variations. My fellow beings, Vothar looks at these issue through amateur telescopes. Without faith, these gaseous atoms are observed as a dim haze, that obscures the center of the galaxy from our sight. But I see the light. And that's why I'm asking for your vote. God bless the singularity."

Press release (source: Eta Carinae for president): Minority Whip Vothar, 2 election cycles ago: "At this time, I have no intention to run for intergalactic office. I intend to serve my full term, to serve the people of Voth."

but then there were cookies

i was having a shitty morning, i spilled coffee on myself in the car
on the way to work. i cursed a lot at the next stop light. i had
nothing in the car, no wipes, no water, no napkins. i got more and
more furious while driving as i watched the stain dry and set in.
when i got in the building, i went to the kitchen to try to wash out
the stain on my pants. i scrubbed it with a sponge, making a big wet
spot. as i was drying it off with a paper towel, i noticed a box on
the microwave. it had a note on it: "this box is a victim of my kids
refusing to try new things. help yourself and enjoy". it was a box
of soft & chewy chocolate chip cookies that you put in the microwave.
there was one pack of two cookies left in the box. i followed the
instructions, and they came out warm, soft and chewy. i took some
skim milk form the fridge (even though it's for coffee only!) because
you just need milk with cookies. they were great, for microwave
cookies. and after that i felt much better.

Orchestrating the plumes of cascading pigeons
bursting from the iridescent fountain like a sunburst

And waving the baton of a trembling rook in his right hand,
Pinched in triumph – index and middle finger, thumb,
Suspended in air like words from God’s lips --

Matt crashes the piece down
And the circle throttles – explodes counter-clockwise

And the pigeons cover the sky in a million scattered blotches
As the people standing by idly surrender
and succumb.

- by the IOD

dirty

Some guy just called my work cell phone. I looked at the called ID
display and I did not recognize the number, so I figured it was a
wrong number but I picked it up anyway. You never know, it could be
for work. I answered formally, stating my name, etc. The guy on the
other line sounded a little confused, he had a southern accent. he
said: "Uh, I'm calling about a massage appointment." I told him he
had the wrong number. He politely apologized and hung up.

It just felt dirty.

massage appointment

Some guy just called my work cell phone. I looked at the called ID display and I did not recognize the number, so I figured it was a wrong number but I picked it up anyway. You never know, it could be for work. I answered formally, stating my name, etc. The guy on the other line sounded a little confused, he had a southern accent. he said: "Uh, I'm calling about a massage appointment." I told him he had the wrong number. He politely apologized and hung up.

It just felt dirty.

Drawing “x’s” through the days in his journal
And cutting out pictures of faces from the obituary,
Matt withdraws currency from a bank no one recognizes,
From a teller no one sees
From a time that folded in upon itself

But this is his mission – deemed a routine by some,
Mocked by others as trite and hopeless –

Yet Matt sees none of this:

“Roll down your window sill, close the curtain,” he says,
“And descend down the stairs and into the field,
So I can see all of you in plan view.”

But will they accept this offer?

Will they make a bargain with this frail night guardsman,
Plucking cherries off a withered vine,
Arranging them on a table, his breath icy smoke, barefoot,
Tiptoeing lest he awake the slumbering millions emblazoned in light?

by the IOD

subway report

'Subway service in Heaven was interrupted for the third straight day today due to a recurring problem involving a syntax error in the book of Deuteronomy.

Joshua could not be reached for comment. At press time, emails from your correspondent to his office returned only '#DIV/0!' messages.'