rock power entered my body

bob grabbed my hand, i was holding his fist with both hands as he sang "my costume with veins of gold, i'll face the punching bag, do what i'm told, till i get old, and have to dwell, in the valley of iron men..." i felt the rock power enter my body. then soonafter i just went on auto-pilot. i just sort of looked at my watch and decided to stumble out the door to make the 12:26 train. i'm glad i did b/c i still had like a 30 minute walk from the train station to home, and didn't get into bed till 3-ish.... it sounds like i missed quite a bit of classic tunes in the encores and some stage rushing, but all in all i got all the rock i could take and i got home in time to get about 3 hours sleep and get to work yesterday in one peice. damn. i hope someone bootlegged that show.

peppers

the blackened spicy peppers in my leftover chinese food burned me like little devils and i loved it. i ate them all but the biggest one, which beat me. and now my brain pays the price as all the other peppers spread their psychedelic chemicals out to all my neurons. i no longer taste them, but i hear and see them.

on the fate of the kayack

my dad almost threw it out, but i saved it. worse comes to worse, we will give it a viking funeral next summer. but it's also priceless and should be preserved... it just won't live inside the lake house any more...

Yes, it should be persevered. As a testmeant to teenage alcoholism

but for the same reason it should fulfill its destiny as a symbol of fleeting, reckless youth by being burned in a blaze of glory, alcohol, and fireworks, and entombed at the bottom of the lake. or doused with beer, trampled by arron, and smashed onstage during a show.

Indeed. like a Lake-person ceremony. Put candles in it...we all kayak around it...then submerge it into the lake forever. Then chris falls off the canoe into the lake

maybe it'll be new year's, and we'll put it out on the ice and we'll light it and then sink into the hole, the grave, it melts/digs for itself with burning bacardi 151. as we salute it with whisky screams, our frosty breath sending smoke signals to potsam in the ionosphere...

my weekend

friday: hung out with e.w., errands, hung shelves. friday night, my wife and i go out to dinner while my parents house-sit and e.w. sleeps. my wife and i spend much-needed alone-time together.

saturday: exausting yard work, with lots of help from my dad, including: clearing out the gutters, moving large flower pots, trucking loads of heavy wet leaves, tying and untying knots with a big rope. night - home cooked meal from my mother in law. but not much relaxation, necessarily.

sunday: more yard work, including breaking stuff with a sledge hammer. i hung our "wedding contract" in a frame in our kitchen/diningroom. QT with e.w., including some guitar time, play dough, and general hands-on stuff. home-cooked dinner by my wife & my mom. later, wine-drowsy, i fell alseep reading the instructions to a carbon monoxide detector that i bought last year but never installed.

gentle people here

so i have only 16 minutes left on my internet cafe account, so there will be a lot of typos... my meeting ended early today and i have the afternoon off. so B. (my partner, a foreign M.D. and scientist) and i went to eat thai food (again!) and then i went up to the hotel to get changed. then i went to the concierge and asked what can i do in one afternoon to see SF. why not, who knows when/if i ever come back? (maybe as soon as a few weeks!? maybe never?) anywho, so the trolley thing starts right by my hotel, so i got on it there and saw the sceenic route through the very hilly town of SF. lots of colorful, quirky houses. through chinatown. past the very windy road thing you always see in movies, down to the hyde street pier. it was a fun ride. the man who was working the breaks on the back of the trolley car was an old man, grey whiskers, who would give everyone sarcastic answers to people's questions. he told me a ticket was $100 dollars. it was funny (you had to be there). so then i walked along the hyde street pier and looked at old boats and read about them from these nice lamintaed displays. then i walked over and put a quarter in one of those telescope things and looked at alcatraz, and the golden gate bridge. then i walked across the state park, up to the giradelli chocolate factory and museum. i got a free piece of chocolate. yum. my wife would love that place. there was a 10 pound bar of chocolate for $40.00.

so now, i am here. later on, i suppose i will see the cannery, and maybe the fisherman's museum? tonight, i plan to have dinner in the music/club district where i hope to eat amazing sidewalk-cafe food and then see some live jazz. it was supposed to rain, but it didn't. if it had, i would be in the modern art museum, but since then the sun broke and it's pretty mild out, i'm out here seeing the sights. also, i keep seeing kids and missing e.w.; but of course, i also don't envy these people who are pushing these strollers all around these hilly streets. anyway, that's that.

in the netherlands, part 2

i'm at this hotel in the netherlands and i just had an amazing panini sandwich with cream of mushroom soup, and dutch beer. the food and drink here is a delight. but also i miss home, i wish i could see the boy most of all... ideally, i should be there every day: all day every day, every minute. so it's tough sometimes. soon i'll be home for a few days, which i will spend primarily with him, and try to give my wife a break from 24-hour mommying... and then i get on another god damn plane!!!

in the netherlands, part 1

i am in Oss, the Netherlands. I just got back from an evening of local beer, wine, salmon, shrimp, and discussing politics, the atlantic divide, electoral politics, and the war on terrorism with a dude form the netherlands who lived in newark for 4 years and cried when the towers fell even though his beautiful twin girls were just born, and he thinks we (americans and europeans) have more in common than we realize and he hopes we can figure out how to put aside egos on both sides and work together on commmon goals like fixing iraq at all costs. i also met this guy from japan who worries that kerry will be weak on terrorists.

"what would you like?"

i would like to feel strong,
i would like to feel bright,
i would like to feel loved,
and i would like the western omelette
with cheese and rye toast, please.
and coffee. thanks.

correspondence

(pre-election correspondence about the upcoming weekend that spirals out of control)

my weekend plans-
fri: grocery shopping, catch home & garden channel "trading spaces" marathon
sat: negotiate inter-dimensional peace treaty between the galactic alliance and the continuum of pneumatic dark ether.
sun: sleep in, make pancakes, read the paper.

Remember: the Continuum will press you for reductions in the Shadow Platoon. Don't give in. Hold your ground.

well, the only problem is that the shadow platoon veteran's association had demanded a cost of living adjustment for thier pulsar pension funds by three arcseconds, annually. meanwhile, the space-time frame dragging caused by the saggitarious-A perscription benefit has already created a high-density black hole whose increased x-ray jet outbursts have ruined this year's irregular nebulae crop, causing a spike in the intergalactic price of positrons.

It's a shame everyone is so beholden to the platoon veteran lobby. I wish Commander Zragnut X would show some f'ing backbone. And also, when you said "i mean, why should companion start systems get all the tax breaks?" Errr...don't you mean the binary star system???

right, right. my bad. well, you know, me and sunspots... somnolence and constipation.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE I GUESS. Like that time when you confused Thgor X-45 with Thogor X-56??? That shit was hilarious! It's just a shame that 25,000,000 Vissiputhians died as a result.

every time i shit two galaxies collide

hmmmmmmm

but until i get some fiber, the remaining Vissiputhians can breathe a little more easily...

Indeed, I Pray to Vothar. But wait, Vissiputhians CAN'T breathe because of *your* little misadventure back in Year 2342-B (remember? the "Brown Quasar Eclipse" ?) Vissiputhians instead symobiotically absorb neuroclytes via the Mirror Grid. What's with you today, man? why so forgetful?

i'm trying to put the brown dwarf incident past me, dude. that shit is past the event horizon for me, man. it's dust... but speaking of prayers:

"prayer to vothar"
vothar, vothar, no excuses
painting over cracks is useless.
scrape it with a tool, and then,
fill it with some gel again.
let it dry, about an hour,
then lick it- if the taste is sour,
let acidic tears dissolve,
liquified- your sins, absolved

"My name is Commander Vothar, and I have tasted the mortar of my own demise"

"Want your own quasar? Then Vote for Vothar"

"magnetic poles indicate that vothar is gaining plasma ions all across the Van Allen belt"... Vothar's challenger, Quadrant Senator Eta Carinae : "If you could smell in space, the stench of Vothar's solar wind record of failed star formation would stretch across the galaxy."

Vothar's press secretary Neblar Neblarian retorts, "There goes the Senator again...first he is for star formation, then he's against it...what's next? He voted for regenerating the ghost terminal at the Retribution Module of Flaxon 323423-D4 before he was against it?"

"All Qualuddians* agree: Vote for Eta Carinae!" - Paid for by Vothar for President
* Qualuddian's are "terrorists"

Eta Carinae: "Vothar still has not clarified his position on Homunculus Nebula. He assumes that the major axis of homunculus nebulae coincides with the rotation axis of a star, and somehow this means that Homunculus Nebulae should be afforded the same rights and privileges as other reflective nebulae, which would pave the way to an epidemic of many open clusters. Good people disagree on this issue, but I rely on my faith, any my faith tells me that despite the Luminous Blue Variables, there is a clear answer: there are not, and should not be, any irregular variations. My fellow beings, Vothar looks at these issue through amateur telescopes. Without faith, these gaseous atoms are observed as a dim haze, that obscures the center of the galaxy from our sight. But I see the light. And that's why I'm asking for your vote. God bless the singularity."

Press release (source: Eta Carinae for president): Minority Whip Vothar, 2 election cycles ago: "At this time, I have no intention to run for intergalactic office. I intend to serve my full term, to serve the people of Voth."

but then there were cookies

i was having a shitty morning, i spilled coffee on myself in the car
on the way to work. i cursed a lot at the next stop light. i had
nothing in the car, no wipes, no water, no napkins. i got more and
more furious while driving as i watched the stain dry and set in.
when i got in the building, i went to the kitchen to try to wash out
the stain on my pants. i scrubbed it with a sponge, making a big wet
spot. as i was drying it off with a paper towel, i noticed a box on
the microwave. it had a note on it: "this box is a victim of my kids
refusing to try new things. help yourself and enjoy". it was a box
of soft & chewy chocolate chip cookies that you put in the microwave.
there was one pack of two cookies left in the box. i followed the
instructions, and they came out warm, soft and chewy. i took some
skim milk form the fridge (even though it's for coffee only!) because
you just need milk with cookies. they were great, for microwave
cookies. and after that i felt much better.

Orchestrating the plumes of cascading pigeons
bursting from the iridescent fountain like a sunburst

And waving the baton of a trembling rook in his right hand,
Pinched in triumph – index and middle finger, thumb,
Suspended in air like words from God’s lips --

Matt crashes the piece down
And the circle throttles – explodes counter-clockwise

And the pigeons cover the sky in a million scattered blotches
As the people standing by idly surrender
and succumb.

- by the IOD

dirty

Some guy just called my work cell phone. I looked at the called ID
display and I did not recognize the number, so I figured it was a
wrong number but I picked it up anyway. You never know, it could be
for work. I answered formally, stating my name, etc. The guy on the
other line sounded a little confused, he had a southern accent. he
said: "Uh, I'm calling about a massage appointment." I told him he
had the wrong number. He politely apologized and hung up.

It just felt dirty.

massage appointment

Some guy just called my work cell phone. I looked at the called ID display and I did not recognize the number, so I figured it was a wrong number but I picked it up anyway. You never know, it could be for work. I answered formally, stating my name, etc. The guy on the other line sounded a little confused, he had a southern accent. he said: "Uh, I'm calling about a massage appointment." I told him he had the wrong number. He politely apologized and hung up.

It just felt dirty.

Drawing “x’s” through the days in his journal
And cutting out pictures of faces from the obituary,
Matt withdraws currency from a bank no one recognizes,
From a teller no one sees
From a time that folded in upon itself

But this is his mission – deemed a routine by some,
Mocked by others as trite and hopeless –

Yet Matt sees none of this:

“Roll down your window sill, close the curtain,” he says,
“And descend down the stairs and into the field,
So I can see all of you in plan view.”

But will they accept this offer?

Will they make a bargain with this frail night guardsman,
Plucking cherries off a withered vine,
Arranging them on a table, his breath icy smoke, barefoot,
Tiptoeing lest he awake the slumbering millions emblazoned in light?

by the IOD

subway report

'Subway service in Heaven was interrupted for the third straight day today due to a recurring problem involving a syntax error in the book of Deuteronomy.

Joshua could not be reached for comment. At press time, emails from your correspondent to his office returned only '#DIV/0!' messages.'

playing taps

this morning i was standing in front of the automatic coffee machine making myself a cup of tea. it was english breakfast tea, the only kind of tea available with caffeine. the used to have earl grey. i like earl grey tea, but i didn't like it so much in the instant form, from this machine. now that it's not available anymore, i wish i could have it. such is life. so as i waited i started tapping my feet, heel to toe, toe to heel. some secret observer might think i was trying tap dance or something. i was just being fidgety. i saw the sign-up sheet for free flu vaccines. i'm already signed up, but i checked the date. i don't want to miss it. i will be going to hospitals a lot, and i will probably be exposed to the flu, and with a toddler at home and a baby one the way i have to be careful. on the way out with my tea i grabbed a coffee stirrer, even though i do not add anything to my tea. back at my desk, as usual, i cut it in half, and proceed to chew on it and fiddle with it, because of this lifelong oral fixation i have. after lunch it will be a toothpick.

cranberry relish and white wine

if working 60 hours a week as opposed to 40 hours a week would make a substantial and appreciable difference in my career and/or the amount of money i brought home, i would do it. it's sad but true: if less time with e.w. meant more money for my family, that trade-off can be worthwhile, to a certain point.

it's the days that i am annoyed with work and i feel like no matter what i do or how hard i try i don't get anywhere any faster than if i were to put in the bare minimum.... it's those days where i'm like: F it, i'd rather just be home.

i busted my ass this weekend doing yardwork, and when i arrived with the second of two full pickup truck loads worth of weird vines and weeds from my yard, the town compost heap was closed 1/2 hour early. i was furious. bastards. i had to unload it from the truck and dump it on my driveway, and then clean the truck and give it back to my dad. i will borrow it again later this week to do it all over again.

that, and my front lawn has lawn grubs. they eat the roots, and the grass dies and or just peels right off the ground with a stroke of a rake or just your hand. we ripped up most of the dead stuff, and now my lawn looks like war zone, craters and all. in addition to the above i will have to borrow my dad's lawn spreader and spread grub killer to try to reverse the damage.

on the bright side i had a nice dinner on friday night with my wife, our friend s.p. and her b/f, and on saturday night we had a nice block party bbq and i got to play with e.w. a lot, while drinking beer and eating good food. same thing on sunday night at my mom's house- she made a pseudo thanksgiving dinner- chicken breast, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, "cranberry relish" (awesome!), biscuits, gravy, and homemade white wine.

brit for thai

tonight: see an art show opening for this dude who paints in cows blood and colored dust, then drop off e.w. at the in-law's and go out to dinner with sue and her brit boyfriend. sat: mow the lawn, block party. sunday: maybe go out to breakfast with my grandpa.

poem

"be still, the sparrows of despondency!"
matt implores, gin in hand
convulsing in ecstasy at the thought
of gregg's name

- by the IOD

song title / lyrics

"Pinwheel"

Hello, how are you and may I come in?
As right as the rain on a roof of tin
Certainly we shall see Matthew again
His pale faced flushed by the dawn
In a pinwheel

Heaven is vacant, the courtyard is bare
Violets encircle us everywhere
Churchyard mice congregate in the square
Perched up on their hind legs
In a pinwheel

The river runs high and the bridges uncoil
Earthworms quiver in the springtime soil
Kingdoms of ants proceed in new shapes
Destined to flummox and reciprocate
The pinwheel

song title / lyrics

"Something Inside Me Knows"

Tears stain the ground
But I don't hear a sound
And what I believe
Is more than a memory
Of a green-eyed girl
Who made this world
Into what we couldn't name

The sun's sinking low
But don't be afraid to show
Your sleepy face
Contoured to contemplate
All the hills and larks
That tame the dark
And the spaces that remain

The blue mountain sea
Whispers a destiny and
Something inside me knows
The smallest seed still grows
Into trembling trees
That guide the breeze
And hum along
To the words we sung
When everything we felt was wrong

song title / lyrics

"Rosie Among the Fields"

On a warm September morning
I was sipping grenadine
And I was punching holes in stockings
When she crossed herself and squealed

It was when the clocks reverted to a
Past when colors ceased to climb
Into cupboards and Aunt Sara's trunk
Where our superstitions are sealed

And it was when I was exploring
Over hills of spinning wheels
On a warm September morning
I found Rosie among the fields

I was climbing over driftwood
I was dodging orange peels and I was
Obeying flashing signs that read,
"Simply follow the trail of leeks"

And there is no past or future
And the rivers disappear
When I finally felt abandoned
I heard Rosie's voice in my ear

song title / lyrics

"They Are Illusions"

Can’t run for cover ‘cause the lights are on
Can’t change yourself, you’ve chosen gravity
Can’t sing a new song – your lungs are underwhelmed
But join the new plane where millions are talking

There must be someone sworn to happy days
There must be cables hung to guide the way
There must be temporary frozen states:
They are illusions in the kindest way

Inside your mind there is a pedestal
Behind your eyes reside a thousand cathedrals
Inside your mind there is a pedestal
Behind your eyes reside a thousand cathedrals

There must be someone sworn to happy days
There must be cables hung to guide the way
There must be temporary frozen states:
They are illusions in the kindest way

song title / lyrics

"Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers"

Sky scraping a sky of begonias
Erase the past as the knobs bleed
Irradiated weather
And lightning gales in warp speed

Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers
Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers
Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers

It’s fun to tumble and crumble the flowers
That caustic hiss from breathing
Excavate your brain, Matilda!
Wooly mammoth jumps the assembly line

Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers
Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers
Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers

Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers
Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers
Looking Up in Awe at Bedlam Towers

- by the IOD

it's hard to say goodbye.

this morning my wife and my son sang happy birthday to me in bed, which was very nice. my son knows the song, but didn't really sing. he knew to raise his arms and say "yay!" at the end when the song was over, and that was just as cute as if he were able to sing it all the way through. he's picking up on these kinds of things more and more. when he sees a candle, or soemthing that looks like a candle, he says: "happy.. to you!" he leaves out 'birthday', for some reason. it's cute, either way.
he and i sat and watched sesame street for a little while before i got in the shower, etc. the spanish word of the day was casa. when i repeated it a few times along with the TV, but it didn't seem like he was into it (even though he likes spanish and can count and name things in spanish). but then my wife came in and said hello to us and he turned to her and said: "casa, casa". it's hard to explain but if you were there you would have smiled.
when i came out later, dressed for work but carrying my sock and shoes, he came over to me and started tugging on my pant leg and he said "up, up, up". i picked him up and brought him over to the couch, where managed to hold him and talk to him while putting on my socks and shoes. he let em put him down for a minute, but when he saw me gathering my things together he started to get a little upset and he hugged my legs at the knees and wanted to be picked up again.i did, and i held him tight for a minute while i explained to him that i had to go to work, but i would see him later. i handed him off to my wife, but he was upset. we walked to the door so he could give me a goodbye kiss and wave goodbye. when i leaned in to kiss him he tried to hold into my shirt and climb on me. he was starting to cry, but my wife held him, comforted him, and told him he would see me this afternoon. it was very sweet and it was hard to resist just taking him in my arms one more time; but, just like every morning, i turned and waved as i walked down the path to my car.

poem

i am sitting on the side stage,
the music is quite loud
and i'm not quite sure i can hear myself think,
but at the same time it's white noise,
a constant noise.
so i have an excuse not to have to engage
in meaningless, inconsequential "hi's"
with people i do not know.
i don't mind sitting alone so much
i just wish i had something to lean on.
i hate standing up for long periods of time.
when my legs get tired i put all of my weight on one leg
to rest the other.
the other knee will bend, and my hip will jut out-
a rather awkward looking pose...
every one else is dancing
or standing around and talking
i just sit there with my hat pulled down over my forehead
just enough so i can look around
without making people self conscious
if i absentmindedly stare.
every once in a while i stand up and walk around
and try to find someone i know.
my girl-friends try to make me dance
but i can't, i feel like an idiot.
i'll run into my guy-friends but they are busy mingling.
chances are i will wander around until the dance is over
or until someone "needs to talk".
somehow that is a responsibility always reserved for me-
but i don't always mind so much.
it's only when i slow dance comes on that i start to feel lonely.

two good guys

mike b. and i hung out last night. a weird trucker dude told mike that "nj is the worst state in the whole damn union" and that PA is the sh*t. later when he said that he "doesn't like the japanese" because of WWII, i said "well, you know, they do their thing, we do ours, everyone's happy nowadays" he said "you two are good guys" and he bought mike a bud and then left.

we had started out at billy's, they carded me and i forgot my wallet, and they wouldn't serve me! so i said f*ck it and we went to poor herbie's in madison (after i doubled back home to get the wallet), and then to the diner. they didn't card me at poor herbie's, of course.

i should have talked to madeline or billy, but i was too pissed of and i needed my wallet anyway.

nightmare menu

you go to sleep and you wake up in a dream world, where a freakish, decaying waiter, greets you with a lip-less smile and dripping, gored-out eyes. worms drop from his mouth as he hands you the nightmare menu. from it, you must chose tonight's selection: equally unpalatable appetizers of entrails begin the meal, followed by an inedible salad of skin, and an assortment of still-breathing still-feeling flayed-alive creatures which struggle to escape your plate, capped off by your choice of frozen screams. the bus boy holds you down while the chef comes out to settle your bill for a pound of flesh and the tip of your tongue- but just as he moves in, the bright shine of his carving knife blinds your eyes, and the nightmare menu closes, and you wake up- your sheets folded at the foot of your bed in the shape of a tiger lilly and some mints on your pillow.... nightmare mints.

beers and baloon animals

i went to a baby birthday party yesterday for one of e.w.'s 2 yr old friends. there was sam adams in bottles and a baloon guy. and food. and their house rocks. it's big and nice with lots of rooms. the back yard and deck were quite nice. puts a house like ours to shame- just a different ballpark alltogether. i still like our block better, the neighborhood looked a little impersonal, sterile or whatever. but anyway, picture me with a beer in one hand and a baloon-animal in the other, playing with e.w. heaven.

hot hot hot

i went swimming in the pool on sunday and it felt grrrrrreat. saturday i mowed the lawn and got very dirty and got a sore back trying to dig a foundation and build a rock wall in my yard. sam adams summer brew. lox & bagel and fresh tomato, and herring from Zabar's in NYC. amazing corned beef sloppy joe an stunning home-made horseradish mustard from "poor herbie's" in madison. and the hot hot waitress at "poor herbies".

art idea

if i had the time, i would make a set of collages with the same theme. the background would be a forest fire- a wall of flame, maybe with the visible treetops towards the top of the picture. then, in the foreground, would be the silhouettes of people. but in stead of the obligatory forest-fire fighter silhouettes, it would be happy domestic activities... liek a kid flying a kite, peopel playing catch, or a father tossing a son up in the air to catch him, or kids doing jump-rope. etc. just an idea.

no rush

i'm pissed off today.  keep in mind, that's saying a lot- i rarely get pissed off.  it's a lot of things.   i don't express anger very well.  where does it go?

my cat is gone.  i miss him and i am sad.   i hope he's OK.  i'm going to leave it at that.

and i went to the bank today and the stupid teller wouln't let me cash a $25 check because it was made out to me and my wife.  i wanted to tear up the check in her face and say: "you see this- you have wasted $25 dollars of my time, coming all the way here just to find out that i can't cash this stupid little check.  here! (as i hold out my cupped hands and blow the shredded check into her face) this is what i think of your policy!"  of course, if i had actually done that, i would not be here right now.  i would be relaying this story to my cell mates in a holding facility somewhere.

i have a lot of reading to do for work.  lately, practically every night i've been sitting down for 2 hours or so after my son is sleeping and i've completed various chores aroudn my house, and reading stuff for work at my dining room table.  i usually have to drink a lot of caffine to stay awake.  last night i fell asleep and drolled on the table for 1/2 an hour, right after finishing a can of diet mountain dew.  when i woke up i had some gold fish and opened another can.  the stuff i read is interesting stuff about my new job; but it can also put you to sleep after a while.  i'm less distracted and i get more done when i read in the dining room.  i bring my little portable radio over to the table and set it up to listen to either jazz 88.3, wfmu 99.1, or 94.? wnyc.  the trick is to get music that includes no singing whatsoever- or at least in singing in english.  the singing distracts me and i find myself listening to the singing and not concentrating on reading.  sometimes i'll be listening to jazz, enjoying the backround music while reading, and someone will start crooning and i'll think to myself - dammit, why do they have to ruin a perfectly good song with this jerk!   so then i'll go to wnyc and see if "new sounds" is on.  and so on.  it's easier to listen to predictable study-music while sitting at my desk downstairs in the office, because i can listen to internet archives of wfmu or wnyc.   it's also nice because i can look up words and medical/chemistry/pharmacy terms on the computer too.  and furthermore i don't feel like i'm on display in a fishbowl for my neighbors (the dining room is plainly visible from the street due to the many windows.  the drawbacks are: it's easy to get distracted by web surfing;  the light is not as good; the desk is not conducive to reading (no room to spread out), and other stuff.

in order to make myself feel better about my cat, i cleaned the fish bowl last night.  the fish doesn't really have a name.  we got him(?) for free.  he seemed to appreciate having new water and being fed.  he gets excited when he sees you coming, because he figures it's feeding time.  the cat was the same way.  i think that's just about all they have in common.  that and it's a pain in the ass to clean up their shit.  but i don't mind, really.  there's still cat litter to be cleaned downstairs; i suppose i'll get to that sooner or later.  no rush.  the cat is gone.

i had two dreams last night-
1) i bought life insurance, telling the agent 'it's about time', and that rates were bound to rise, and then...
2) at the mall i intervene to stop some houdlums from taounting my brother in law (who is brain damaged), and they threaten me with knives and bring me to the MAC machine to make me draw out money, and i'm trying to think of how to get away while we wait in line, but then the dream ends!

beach

we were at LBI this weekend. it was fun. e.w. was a handfull sometimes, but we had a good time all in all. the ocean was nice. not too cold, certainly not too warm. it was partly sunny. a good mix of hot sun and cool breezes. i had yummy scallops, shrimp and flounder. and amazing cold cuts from an awesome authentic italian deli in surf city. unstoppable. they have meat, and amazing olives, and all this pre-cooked stuff as well as ingredients. you just buy fish accross the street at the market, and then buy everything else there. instant feast.

have i moved?

have you ever been sitting at your desk and looking at your computer and suddenly think to yourself: 'what the F have i been doing for the past 30 minutes? what is happening, have i moved recently? can i move? ...' etc..

jumping the gun

i was at columbia presbyterian hospital in manhattan, looking on while one of my colleagues from the netherlands show a pediatric anesthesiologist how to use a hand-held stimulating device to monitor neuromuscular blockade.

there were six of us crammed into a rental car. it fit six people, technically, but i was all the way in the back and my head hit the ceiling. the girl next to me was on my deaf side, and she kept talking to me and being nice, but i was uncomfortable because i really couldn't hear her half the time. there was a lot of traffic.

when we got to the the hospital, valet parking took the car. we all just sort of filed in the building, no one really knew where we were headed, apparently. we all got on the first elevator we saw. i was last on, standing by the control panel. the door closed and i said "what floor?"... silence. one guy said "10th". i pushed the "10" button, and it lit up and we started moving. on the way up we decided that we really had no idea where we were going, and that we should go back down and ask at the desk, so i pushed "1". when the door opened, no one moved; but we saw the sign across the hall on the wall and someone said "hey, it's anesthesia!". i couldn't read the letters, i couldn't focus. i stuck my hand out and stopped the doors from closing. by a stroke of luck, we were in exactly the right place.

the young doctor met us in the hallway, and admitted that he was surprised to see us. "great. people usually call from downstairs, and i have to go down and get them". we all played along.

we met the sr. anesthesiologists right around the corner. a man and a woman. one was wearing a white coat and casual clothes; she was "academic" today. the guy was in scrubs, he was in and out of surgery. "i'm paired with a first-year this week, i've got to stick close to him- i'll see you guys after lunch". so we had to do the whole presentation twice, once for each doctor.

the young guy lead us to a moderately sized conference room. the walls on one side were lined with rows of medicals. some were old, bound, ugly colors, like 30-year old virgin reference books in the library; others were thick magazines.

there were three or four different kinds of chairs. some were leather swivel chairs, old but nice. others were cheap, upholstered, basic chairs- one of which was notably dirty. there was a water cooler, flanked by crates with big water jugs- some empty, some full. by the door was a mini-fridge, a microwave, and a coffee machine. i think the coffee machine was not in use, there was only instant coffee on the counter. the microwave was old, used, tired but faithfully functioning. the fridge was black, with a white sheet on the front that said "on friday july 9th this refrigerator will be emptied- please remove your belongings or they will be discarded." it's after july 9th. the thing was still filled with crap. i know this because 20 minutes into the meeting this guy came in and made tea. judging by the way he acted, he seemed to think that if he pretended that it wasn't a big deal that he was barging in on our meeting, and just mater-of-fact-ly went about his business, that it therefore would not interrupt or distract us. on his way out i caught the door behind him, and switched the sign on the front from "vacant" to "occupied". one of the research nurses looked at me briefly, nodding approvingly.

i pretty much didn't say anything, but just listened. one lady took out the kit and showed everyone how it worked. a power-point presentation. then another guy took over and hooked himself up to the monitor, and the monitor to his laptop. we got a live demonstration. he attached the electrodes to his arm and made his thumb twitch with little shocks to his ulnar nerve. once i chimed in during his presentation, because i thought he accidentally skipped something important- but a second after it came out of my mouth- i realized that maybe he was just about to say it. he politely followed up on my comment and continued. later, i apologized and told him i was sorry if i jumped the gun. he joked with me a bit but then assured me it was no big deal.

yeah, so my new job now involves traveling to research hospitals and clinics around the northeast, initiating/running/monitoring clinical research.

on the way out of the hospital another colleague of mine sat down on a bench to have a well-deserved cigarette after our long meeting upstairs on the 10th floor. she got to talking with a lady next to her. she learned the sad, sad story of this lady's son, who was tragically stricken ill while visiting new york on vacation. i'll spare you the details, but it would make you cry. my colleague relayed the story to me while we drove back to the office. as with any tragic story involving children, i immediately thought of my wife and son, and i wondered if they were OK. (sometimes, when i get this feeling i call my wife's cell phone to see if they are OK. hearing my son's voice instantly makes me feel better.) my colleague went on to say that she has a daughter the same age as the tragically ill boy, and it made her sad, but also gave her some perspective. she vowed to be more appreciative of what she has. i agreed. then i lamented that i will probably be prone to the same thing: finding myself on the receiving end of outrageous and tragic tales told by strangers in hospitals. i explained that i used to believe i had "tell me your problems" written across my forehead; because eve since high school i've always found that people are prone to opening up to me and telling me details about their lives. (after all, this is why i became a peer counselor in college, it came naturally.) she agreed, and said she feels like the same thing happens to her a lot. has been doing this job for a few years, so she's probably heard a lot of crazy things. but she must not spend a lot of time in big cities like new york; because while we were talking, she took notice of a street vendor in the middle of the road, selling hot dogs to people in cars who were inching along in traffic. she thought it was really weird.

more and more

so e.w. is talking more and more; he's totally a little boy. in stead of feeding him bottles and baby mushy food; he eats pizza, likes to read, swim, and watch tv. on the 4th of july i gave him a little american flag and he was just running around the yard, waving it back and forth and giggling - pure unadulterated bliss. amazing. also, recently we're trying to get him to recognize when he's done something wrong, like spill somehting on purpose, and get him to say "i'm sorry" and help clean it up. which isn't easy...

'No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.'
— Christian Nestell Bovee, American author (1820-1904)

discussing lake revelrey

Tiiime to: break scales, toss chairs, pass out on docks, piss on Aunts, trash the woods, smash a chick, feel remorse, piss in a cup, throw shit, kayak on the porch, have your dad walk around our passed-out bodies, get lost in the woods after 'ditching' everyone, skinny dip in broad daylight, build a fire while drunk in the woods and go into a trance and write a poem in a notebook and then burn a hole in the poem, while standing around drinking at a party- suddenly drop your beer and jump in a nearby canoe and paddle away very quickly in the pitch black of night for no reason and lay down on your back and listen to the sound of your beating heart in the silence while contemplating the stars, dive off the high dive with a 30-pack box on yr head, zip your friend into a very large abanoned suitcase and drag him down the road, and pass out in an abandoned ice cream freezer at the beach.

i have to find the time

several amazzing little anec dote tid bits from my weekend should really be blogged, but i have to find the time...

like this guy at breakfast at the B&B in new hope who gave us his mini life-story about how he was recently in a motorcycle accident that crushed his foot and he hasn't been able to go to work at his job as a mechanic...

or my dream last night that my father and i were smashing the tooth-pick homes of a colony of very tiny people who were infesting the shallow-water areas of estling lake.

Terminal

I want to have an electronic project called Terminal.

These song titles would be songs.

I'd create the songs on pro tools. I'd take, like, a guitar note, and pour the effects on, loop it, invert it, twist it, add shit, then pile it on.

So it'd be real machine-like drones for 45 minutes, no singing.

- by the IOD

we have no chemistry

over an expensive dinner and fine alkaline wine,
my longing ions reach out for your hands across
this white-linen periodic table of elements;
but all you have to offer are some noble gasses

a little justice in a baseball park

the last baseball game i went to was a yankees game - i caught a ball, a line drive into the seats that bounced around a bit first and came to me across a few empty seats nearby. some dude behind tried to grab it from me, but i hunched over and covered it up... i stood up and held it up, and showed it to my brother in law, etc., celebrating and feeling pretty cool.

and just then i saw some dude being lead away by park staff and friends, he was bleeding from his lip... the ball had hit him in the face before it came to me... i chased the guy down in the hall and gave him the ball. he seemed generally appreciative, but was primarily concerned with, you know, the bleeding. when i came out of the hall and back to my seat, empty-handed, the crowd in the area broke into applause... and that felt better then catching the ball!

that thing you do

i am picturing you doing that thing where you pretend to shoot yourself in the head with a gun in each hand, one pointed at each temple, and you pretend that the bullets collide inside as you make the noise of your head exploding like a juicy watermelon.

scent of a woman

i just called this doctor's office in upstate NY, and when the lady answered, i could smell her perfume. seriously! it was wierd.

what i ate today

'i ate a live, skwawking, flapping, wild turkey, who bled all over my desk, crapped on my mousepad, and pecked me a few times in the face.'

the problem is the morning after

friday night i took E to the playground and then stayed home and studied neuroscience while my wife went out to dinner with her friend camel for her birthday. satuday we went to the lake with E, and took him to the beach to meet brett and mike b., where we played in the sand, on the swings, and put E's feet in the water. then we, mike, brett, etc. went to stewarts in denville for ice cream floats and dinner for E. i had a cheese steak, even though my cholesterol is like, 500. later on, my wife stayed home while E slept, and i went to the lake for an evening of estling lake decacdence at allison's house. i drank many beers, played a$$hole and flip-cup, etc. etc. there's like a while new crowd of younger kids who maintained a healthy huddle in one area, and the old-school crew of allison-robin-bryan-brian-erin-catherine, but also a few really younger (frosh in college) kids who i didn't even recognize- they all looked like they were in grade schoool to me(!).... i had a red bull and cut and run at midnight. who knows after that... sunday we took it easy and hung out with my wife's parents, but i went home in the afternoon to mow the lawn and stuff, while my wife took E to the zoo. i wish i could have gone, but the lawn won't mow itself! we went out to dinner at a chinese resturant, and i asked for my meal spicy, saying: "i don't want to go to the hospital, but you know, in that ballpark". it was barely, barely, mildly hot. it's like you have to grab the person and shake them and scream, "i'm not kidding god dammit, make it spicy!" what are they afraid of? if it was up to me, i would have just gone to a thai place, you never have that problem there! the only problem is the morning after... it's like if you're the non-asian guy in a chinese resturant and you say "please make it spicy, i'm not kidding", they are trained to tell the cook "there's a white guy out there who thinks he knows what spicy is, but obviously he's delusionsal. please add a few dozen molecules of hot sauce and i think that'll be enough". asking for spices on the side is an alternative, but it's not only demoralizing, but it's never as good as when it's cooked in... that's why thai food rocks. even the ice water is hot.

cat names

yesterday at lunch we discussed the merits of naming your cat or dog after your favorite alcohol. i have a cat, so i thought of it mainly in that context. if i was getting a new cat- what drink would i name it after?

10. 'Michelob'
9. 'triplesec'
8. 'grappa'
7. 'Bud'
6. 'moonshine'
5. 'merlot'
4. 'Schnapps'
3. 'Jonny Walker'
2. 'chianti'
1. 'Captain Morgan'

da da deuce

e.w.'s good. he's talking more and more. i've lost count. every day something new. he's climbing more, and being more adventurous. my wife was was worried that he is too cautious. but he's getting there

his thing lately is to give big smooches when you pick him up.

he loves dr suess. or, "da da duece", as he says it.

last night, for the first time in quite a while, he fell asleep on me while i read to him, right before bedtime. it was the best just to have him on my lap, all still and peaceful, breathing, warm. i seriously considered just sitting there in the rocking chair and enjoying it for the whole night, but in stead, i gently picked him up, and while continuing to recite the last few pages of the book (which i have memorized), i laid him down in the crib and tucked him in and said goodnight.

da da duce

update on my son: E's good. he's talking more and more. i've lost count. every day brings something new. he's clibming more, and being more adventurous. my wife was worried that he was a wuss, but i think he's just cautious. he's getting there.

his thing lately is to give you big smooches when you pick him up.

he loves dr suess. or, "da da duece", as he says it.

last night, for the first time in quite a while, he fell asleep on me while i read to him, right before bedtime. it was the best just to have him on my lap, all still and peaceful, breathing, warm. i seriously considered just sitting there in the rocking chair and enjoying it for the whole night; but in stead, i gently picked him up, and while continuing to recite the last few pages of the book (which i have memorized), i laid him down in the crib and tucked him in and said goodnight.

just hearing things

this morning i was driving to work, listening to NPR on the radio, drinking my coffee in a paper aroura cup, and cursing at people who were going too slow; it was a typical morning. but then, while stopped at a traffic light, i could have sworn i heard a cat meowing. i looked around, and over my shoulder and into the back seat, but i didn't hear it again. i must be hearing things, i thought to myself. but it wouldn't be the first time i've unintentionally taken a cat for a ride in a car. once i took my parent's cat Kasey to the pizzaria in Denville. The car had been in the driveway with the windows open in the summer, and i guess she just wandered in, exploring, as cats sometimes will do. down the road a ways my friend brett and i heard the cat meow from the back seat. she looked scared and confused. we were too far to turn back or let her out, and we wanted our pizza, and besides, it was a little funny. ...so anyway, no cat today. just my imagination.

mid-air chase to the death

this morning, while walking to the metro, i saw a bird (a chickadee?) wrestling with a cicada...the bird had it in its beak, but the cicada was persistent -- buzzing and flapping its wings, so that the bird couldn't get a strong hold.

then the cicada broke free and flew away -- but the bird went after it, and for a few exhilarating seconds, they were in a mid-air chase to the death, coiling and swerving through the air! the bird then picked the cicada out of midair, brought it back to the ground, where 5 feet away, a precocious squirrel was watching, ready to pounce!

the squirrel approached, but then the bird flew away (because there was a car coming), but the cicada was securely in its mouth. it was awesome!

- by the IOD

last night i had a dream that i was talking with my mom. i was on the way out the door at her house, and my wife was waiting in the car. my mom started talking about the fact that she is retiring this year. she was having second thoughts. she was glad that she would have to deal with annoying things about work, stupid people, stupid situations, but she also would miss the people she worked with, and was secretly looking forward to things scheduled to start next year after she's gone. she said "what am i going to do all day?". i tried to reassure her that it was the right thing to do, that she could start by taking a well-deserved rest! and i insisted she would find all sorts of things to do, and that she'd be enjoying herself in no time. that's all. the funny thing is, in real life my mom is retiring, but she seems to have absolutely no reservations, and she's really excited and looking forward to it. am i projecting apprehension and doubts onto my mom in this dream? why?

seeing is believing, part IV

i forgot to mention yesterday... my eyes are hurting again for the first time in a while. it was bad yesterday. i thought that i was off the hook when the IT guy came over and changed my screen settings, but i guess i'll have to do more eye exercizes or whatever.

what a gas

this has never happened to me before. this morning i got in my car at the end of my driveway, started the engine, turned on the stereo, ejected the cd and started looking for a new one to put in for the ride to work. so far so good. after less than a minute of shuffling through cd's, my car engine shut off! i knew i was running low on gas, but i thought i would have at least enough to get to the gas station on the way out of town. i couldn't believe it- i though maybe it was the fact that the driveway is inclined, and that the gas that was left was just all on one side of the tank. i tried to start the engine again, and it started, but then quickly sputtered and died again as i tried to back it up. i thought quickly, and went around to the garage to get the gas can i just filled up for the lawn mower. thank goodness i filled it last week. there was more than enough in the can to get me to the gas station. it took me a minute to get the gas cap back on, but then i was on my way. i wondered if any neighbors saw me filling my tank with a gas can in the driveway? so then i was driving down the street, and thinking of the fastest way to a gas station, that was also in the general direction of my office. i picked my usual route, and after cursing at a few people who were going too slow, i got the gas station and got $20 worth. in conclusion, that little red light on the dash board comes on now and then, and i always tell myself, 'i've got enough to get me to the gas station!', but it finally happened today- i ran out of gas. one thing i did think of as i drove on to work, was that if i had not idled in the driveway for a minute to change my cd, i probably would have stalled at a nearby traffic light, block away from my garage and gas can. that would have been a pain in the ass. however, i never ended up picking out a cd. at the gas station i stared listening to 'morning edition' on NPR/WNYC, and i got hooked and listened the whole way to work. that happens a lot.

later on, i passed a school that's a few blocks before my office. a crossing guard stepped into the road with his "stop" sign and signaled me to stop. then he let some minivans pull away, and let some kids cross the street. little kids with little backpacks, skipping along the crosswalk, under the watchful eye and outstretched arms of the man in the orange vest. i thought to myself, "god bless the crossing guards".

last night i had a dream that i was at the cannes film festival, i think. (the reason i say that is because i remember talking with people about a film called "osama". now i don't know if that's just my brain filling in for "fahrenheit 9/11", but anyway...). i don't remember much except that it was on a beach. there were lots of people there in bathing suits and bikinis. i found an open deck chair next to a bunch of other people and started mingling, talking with a girl on my left. there was a college-feel to the scene; it was not present-day, per se. i think in this dream i was a single guy and trying to meet chicks. i felt awkward, but i was trying to be outwardly confident. that's it. i think had this dream because i was talking with someone over the weekend about how bad i was at being single.

cello there

so yeah, here i am sitting at my old desk with my old group at my old job. on paper i have gotten a promotion to a different job in a neighboring department, but my computer is not ready, so here i am. i actually have some lingering projects to wrap up and/or hand over, and also a training manual to write; so it's not a big deal that i'm stuck here. but at the same time i wish it were just over already and i could get into my new job. i'll be travelling, regionally, in stead of coming to the office every day. the travelling in the beginning will probably be the toughest because i will be in training mode. that means that i will be travelling with other people, to "shadow" and learn from them in the field. this means, of course, that i will be a slave to their schedule, and also that i will be travelling all over the place, even across the country, since there aren't enough people around here who can train me. whatever! the point is, in the beginnign it will be tough... so it will be a sink-or-swim test for whether or not it will throw my family-life into disarray. if we make it through this summer, the rest should be easier, because i will be making my own schedule and also staying closer to home, generally. furthermore, i am excited to start already because i will be learning a whole lot more than i ever would in this old job- i'm finally getting into the mainstream research side of the business.

oh yeah, and also i got a package in the mail yesterday from this lady who i met in europe at my training seminar. background: we were all cooped up in this hotel & conference center, and there was a billiards room with a piano in one part of the building. i was sitting and enjoying a beer in an adjacent room while flipping through a dutch art history book, when i heard the piano next door. it was beautifully played classical piano music, i honestly thought it might be a player-piano becuase it sounded that good. anyway, she was someone who i knew, and i complimented her between songs but then retreated back to my couch in the next room- i got the feeling that she didn't like to be watched. i sat and enjoyed a few more songs, finishing my beer and looking at more paintings in the book. later, at dinner, i brought it up again and we got to talking about music. she said she had studied piano ever since she was young, and that she continued to play as often as she could. she mentioned that she would always play for her family, but liked to provide background music for dinners and get-togethers, as opposed to recitals, where she felt that she was being watched too closely. we got to talking about how she is in the process of learning the cello. i mentioned that i know a little about cello music, and that i really enjoyed yo-yo ma's bach cello suites; and i asked if she had any reccomendations. she told me that she has friends who are professional musicians and music teachers, and that they have an excellent CD. they are a couple that play as a duet; one plays a classical guitar and the other plays the cello. the cd sounded very interesting, especially since i also like classical guitar music. so i gave her some money and she promised to send me one. i listened to it last night while having dinner with my son. he didn't seem to mind it. i liked it very much. it's a pretty diverse selection of songs; and the arrangement is very dynamic, including some string scraping and guitar/cello body tapping for precussion. all in all i like it very much. oh, and in the package was a photo of a mountaintop (the alps?), towering above the clouds, and a note. i plan to write back and tell her i like the cd very much.

here i am in amsterdam

i was in the airport in amsterdam for about 1/2 hour, then took a cab through lots of cow-country to get to this corporaste training center here in misty, cool, overcast Sint-Michielsgestel, at the De Ruwenberg conference center. it´s very much out in the sticks, but it´s nice in that it´s serene and relaxing. there´s lots of grass, outdoor sculpture, benches near little ponds, a few fountains. there´s a little town nearby down the road with a few resturants, shops, and a pub- but they are all closed today so it looks like i´m stuck here. there is one other organon person who i met at the airport and we talked about doubling back to amsterdam to see the sights, but just now we looked at each other and simultaiously realised that we´re pretty tired and that the drive might literally put us to sleep, and our main goal is to stay up all day today to make sure we get on local time ASAP.... so we´ll see. the museums can wait, i suppose.

going to the netherlands

so i got in the car at 3:00 sharp back at home, and the driver whisked me away to newark airport. right away he asked me when my flight took off, and we quickly determined that they had scheduled my pickup at least an hour early. he had me there in 15 minutes or so, and then i had about 2 hours to kill before my plane actually borded. i guess with international flights they leave you a lot of time, but in this instance it was unecessay. i got a salad thingy at this cafe and then i went through security. they didn´t make me take off my shoes or anything. i went to the terminal and got a coffee and started reading some material for my training. there was a german family waiting for the same plane, and they had a young girl and a baby girl, about 1 year old. they were cute and it made me miss my boy.

'Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.'

- Fitzgerald

chimp friends

moon wrote:

'Get a chimp high
Make him drive a bumper car
Sit back
Enjoy the ride'

amazing. imagine if you blogged all this stuff?

God help us.

it would become in instant internation sensation. the most popular blog in lithuania. they will think chimps and cheetahs run the country. (they do) lithuanian: 'chwen i kom to amerrika, i vil orlder a 'cheetah size frize' at MAC donaaldz... and vill eat it vit chimp... yez, many chimp vriend i vill half' "

the equally potent correlary

while writing email today at work and discussing the finer points of FDA policy with my pen pal and sometimes-intellectual-nemesis 'the BFF King', I was also on the phone with my wife with my son playing in the background, and he fell and hit his head and was crying, and my wife dropped the phoen to pick him up and console him, and i swear my heart nearly burst out of my chest and into the phone to try and see if he was OK. he cried a lot, but he was fine after a little bit, and my wife picked up the phone again. thank goodness.
it's an indescribable feeling, having a kid...

kid = normal happiness x 1 million

but also, the less-frequent but equally potent correlary

kid = normal worry/fear/anxiety x 1 million

"Age... garrulous, recounts the feats of youth."

-James Thomson, Autumn

brewdoggie

heeeere brewdoggie! heeere brewdoggie! good boyy!

(glug, glug, glug)

GOOD DOGGIE~~!!!

burp!

(pass out)

ITfDfRBRR

IRS Form 1615-A: Itemization Table for Deductions for Rock-Band Related Revelry (ITfDfRBRR)

Date Amount Description
2/28/04 $ 615.22 6 hours spent dry heaving into a contruction cone on the off-ramp to I-9 in Nashville TN.

Date Amount Description
2/15/04 $ 98.00 Deduction for mental pain and suffering related to band-mate taunting, after being shown photographic evidence that indeed, you did make out with the girl with one leg last night after the show.

seeing is believeing, part III

Oh, by the way, my eyes have been fine. This computer/IT dude was at my desk and he changed my settings on my monitor so that it's radiating at a higher megahertz rate or whatever. so it's frying my eyes with even more juice, but it feels good- no more pain. go figure.

drag day

i'm dragging a little today. i'm thinking about all of the time i'll be spending away from home when traveling for work, and thinking that i should savor my family time a littl emore thna i currently do... so like clockwork my wife informed me that she's going out shopping with her mom tonight and that i have our son all to myself for dinner and bath/bedtime. wish granted!

ouch

i just went to pick up my phone on my desk here at work, and as i lifted the phone to my head i hit myself in the eye with the phone. so despite the fact that i had my morning cup of coffee, it seems as though my brain is not yet fully functioning. i better not get a bruise. this can't bode well for the rest of my day today.

seeing is believeing, part II

that optometrist lady is an idiot, my eyes are hurting more than ever. i tried wearing my old glasses, but i think they made it worse. i don't know. i also try staring at somethign far away every 10 minutes, like she said... that might be helping. but the point is- that lady must have missed something because i am having a problem. your eyeballs aren't supposed to hurt.

the light at the end of the produce aisle

i was in costco today, walking my son around in the stroller while my wife was shopping, when the lights in the whole place suddenly went out. suprisingly, no on ereally panicked, even though at least half the store was so dark that you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. i was close to the large front door, so i could see by virtue of the sunlight coming in. either way, most people slowly made their way to the light. but at the same time, there was that old familiar feeling- i bet everyone was feeling it to- i thought to myself that there had been some kind of terrorist attack that knocked out a power plant or something. i remeber hearing a commentator some time not to long after september 11th, who described people's TV-watching habits in the weeks afterwards- he said that people were glued to their 24-hour cable-news channels, watching, waiting for the news to end. and they would see it live- provided that they, or the TV station's transmission facility, was not instantly vaporized or something. so anyway, the lights came back on after a little while and things went back to normal... except that the photo-printing machine blew a fuse or something and we can't get our pictures until monday.

this past weekend i had a dream about being in italy. i believe i was there with family, at the very least i recall being there with my son. anyway, i was there visiting relatives. i was with an uncle of mine, who had immigrated to the US in his early 20's and has lived hear for another 20, and who was back there living in italy again. he was showing me his place and urging me to stay there for an extended period of time... like a month. his house was a nice villa on a farm, with all the typical imagery- bathed in soft golden light; bales of hay; bunches of grapes; hand-made pasta; fresh olives and tomatoes; beautiful marble floors; comfortabe, simple, wooden furniture; balconies overlooking farm valleys. all these things i saw on my trip to italy. we spent one long day on a train, riding from rome to florence. we accidentally ended up on a "local" train, which made all the stops. in retrospect, it was nice. we got to stop and see many small towns on the way, rather than speeding past them all. beautiful fields of gain, one amazing sunflower field. anyway, i wanted to stay, i wanted to raise my son there, in such a rich, natural setting. i was torn, i felt the urgency of life at home- nagging me. it was the embodiment of my longing for a simpler life- an invitation from a welcoming, generous relative to whisk my family away to an idyllic, pastoral life. i don't think i'm explaining it very well, but whatever.

seeing is believeing

so i went to the eye doctor because i had been noticing that my vision is not as clear as it used to be. i thought maybe i would be able to get away with not needing glasses before i'm old and grey- but apparentlt this is not the case. i made an appointment, printed out online driving directions, and went on my way. i took the wierd eye test two times, with two different people, looking through this crazy machine and having lazers shoot into my eyes and this ting touch my cornea. they gave me wierd drops in my eyes, which i hated. and in the end, the doctor is like: "you're eyes are good." and she wrote me a perscription for glasses to use for diving at night and for looking at far-away things like movies at the theatre and overhead projectors. i felt a little cheated. i was all ready to start wearing glasses- i had prepared myself. oh well, whatever. so my eyes were dialated and i couldn't see anything close up. driving home was fun, couldn't read my directions, or the street signs. i made it back, though. i stopped at the bakery and the pizza place, for dinner and dessert. in the bakery i was looking ing the little display cases... but i couldn't read the little signs so i didn't know what anything was. the old lady behind the counter at the bakery was rude to me in a crabby-old-lady kind of way when she asked if i needed help and i said "i'm having trouble deciding", she responded with a sardonic "well you only have 1/2 an hour till we close". i wanted to say, "F you, if you think i'm ever coming here again!". but a younger girl behind the counter sort of sepped in and was nice to me. i explained to her that i just had my eyes dialated and she helped me understand what i was looking at. the old lady tried to warm up to me a little and kept suggesting the tiramasu. but i purposely didn't even consider it because that lady pissed me off. for all i know the tiramasu was better than what i ended up buying, but really i don't care becuase the satisfaction of ignoring that lady was sweeter than anything in that store.

last night i had a horrifying dream where i tried to save someone from drowning, but i couldn't. it was in like a subterranean storm drain thingy, where they had fallen, and i jumped in after. i was underwater and was wearing this heavy jacket; swimming in it was impossible, i couldn't move my arms fast enough- like i was swimming in glue. and the person disappeared, was sucked into a pipe, as i reached out and grabbed for them. a feeling of paralysis and panic and fright, and the dream cut off there. my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach just writing about it.

finger painting

so today i came into work with a beatuiful red finger paining from my 1 year old son. it was made at a baby class with my wife yesterday. it's his first official artwork (if you don't count crayons on resturant placemats). it's red paint on newsprint. there are two distinct handprints, and also a lot of smearing and stuff. i love it. i put it up in my cubicle. the first of many, no doubt. yet another item to check off on my list of obligatory proud-daddy hallmarks.

debaucherous wine room

went out last saturday night with my cube-neighbor friend from work, and his girlfriend from the legal department. i had a seafood feast of a swordfish steak, calamari, clams, etc, in marinara sauce... it was nice but the service was exceptionally slow, and i complained to the manager after dinner, and he gave us 50% of the bill in gift certificates... which was nice.

sunday we went to a formal part at a dining hall/country club for my wife's great aunt's 80th b-day. they had some excellent food, including wonderful shrimp. there were oysters but i passed. i had a little too much to drink, and crashed when we got home. i should have shoveled slushy snow that had been accumulating on the driveway alll day in stead of goign to this part and getting ripped. it all turned to ice and now it will be there all winter.

but at the dining hall they had this amazing subteranian basement room, like a wine tasting room. (i wandered there while walking the baby around)... it was all dark with lots of stone and wrought iron and dimly lit with flickering organe fake-candle chandliers. with old carved wood shairs with bright red upholstry, all set up in a row with the big, ornate chair in the middle. i sat the baby down in it an stepped back and he looked like a little prince. and all of these cool dusty old bottles of wine everywhere in the walls. behind this gate was this old, carved table set with old fashioned metal platesm goblets, and stuff. it was like right out of a midevil paining. i magined having a debaucherous wine and cheese party there. it was like heaven.

album cover art

silo man

last night i had a dream that i saw on a cruise ship with bono from U2. it was like a 9/11 cruise ship dream. boats were racing everywhere in an attempt to avoid various terrorists who were trying to crash into cruise liners and yacths with their own boats and planes. we crashed into another boat. i was disoriented and i almost lost sight of and got separated form my wife and son, but i grabbed onto the back of their rescue boat and held on before it sped away.

rip your heart out

some people can write music that just rips your heart out. they somehow tap into that cosmic jungian stream of basic, raw human emotion, and channel it into words and music. i don't think it's a skill. i thint it's like lightning, it just happens.